I am sharing a blog post I wrote back in September. I never shared it, I left it in my drafts. I was embarrassed and ashamed and scared to be open and vulnerable with the world. Today, I gained the confidence to share this. Because I know, someone out there will relate to my words.

With Easter right around the corner and most of us are at home, I figured I would start sharing some recipes if anyone wanted to get their bake on! These are super simple and quick to make. The perfect mix of chocolate and mini eggs all bundled into a soft cookie. I love eating them fresh out of the oven when they are still warm. But how many cookies can a girl eat? So store them in a airtight container and they will be perfect in the days to come!

This is my absolute favourite Christmas treat that I started making a few years ago after a co-worker brought a bag of her homemade Almond Roca to work. I think I ate the entire bag myself. She gave me the recipe but I could never perfect it. I tried for a few years and wasted several pounds of butter in my attempt. So I went in search of my own recipe. I found a similar recipe to this on Suburban Simplicity. This one has been fool proof for me so far, but make sure you have no distractions around you when making it (example; kids or husbands). The temperature of the candy has to be precise or it will not set up as desired. I didn’t know I was an Almond Roca lover until a few years ago – now I’m hooked and its a Christmas staple in our house.

This past Thursday I was asked to photograph the most breathtaking event, a dinner in the Garden hosted by Season + Supply at the Field + Canvas farm. When Jess with Field + Canvas asked me to be apart of the event, I knew it was going to be all sorts of wonderful. A farm to table dinner with all locally grown Alberta food and products, Alberta made beer + spirits, homegrown and locally sourced flowers. All while enjoying this in the amazing gardens on a 100 year old potato plantation.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. Scared is actually an understatement as I approach the last week before our little boy is due. I’m terrified but I also feel incredibly grateful to have this experience again. I’m feeling every emotion possible right now. I’ve done this before. Why do I seem so much more worried this time around? Maybe it’s the hormones. But it’s probably real feelings every mother experiences before bringing her second child into the world. Because we know. We have been there. We have survived. Somedays, barely. Other days, we nailed it. But we did it. We know what to expect this time around with one, but if we struggled to raise one child, how on earth can we raise two? Three? Six? How do we split our attention?

It’s almost midnight on a Friday night. Your big brother is sound asleep and has been for hours, and your dad is in another province with his friends on a snowmobile trip. It is cold, snowy and blowing like crazy outside. I am laying in my king size bed with our dog, Howard who is taking up three quarters of it. But when dad’s out of town, I have to take advantage of the bedtime snuggles with this furry boy. I just finished catching up on the latest episodes of the Bachelor that I missed on our family vacation.

This past year has come and gone in the blink of an eye. I’m here trying to figure out where the past year went, and how you are already one. I’m sitting struggling to put my thoughts into words for how I truly feel about you. It’s difficult, not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I have way to many emotions to write it all down. I’ve stopped many times while writing this, because my eyes are too foggy to continue on. How do you express your love and gratitude towards the most important person in your life in a few simple paragraph? How do I tell you how deeply I feel for you? How much you have changed me and my outlook? And how much I have learned from you? Words simply cannot express those feelings. But I will try to make sense of it for you.

Its funny how being a photographer, you never have the time to edit your own personal photos. When you do have free time, the last thing you want to do is spend it editing. Last May, my husband and I took a road trip to Tofino as one last trip before our son arrived. It was honestly one of the best trips we’ve ever been on, and one of the coolest. Totally random and laid back. We had absolutely nothing planned, we literally jumped in the vehicle and drove west. For those of you who know me understand when I say I am a planner. I literally would plan every hour of my day if I could. So this trip was totally out of my comfort zone but totally worth it!

Some nights I purposely let you fall asleep in my arms. Just so I can hold you a little longer and watch your chest move up and down as you rest so peacefully. You fit so perfectly in my arms. Sometimes you let out a sigh with the cutest little smile. You must be dreaming. Before I put you down for the night I always hold your hand and squeeze it tight. I give you a kiss on your cheek and hold you close. Often times I find tears running down my face because I don’t know how someone like me was blessed with someone like you. You’ve changed me, and I always find myself wondering how I lived the past 24 years without you? I can’t imagine my life without you. I wake up every morning so thankful for you. So thankful that you made me a mother and gave me something I never knew was missing. You’re simply the sweetest. You have such a kind and gentle soul. The way your whole face lights up when you see me walk into your room every morning. You greet me with the biggest smile and instantly wrap your arms around my neck when I pick you up. My heart has never been so full. My love for you is way different then any kind of love I have experienced before. The love only a mother can relate too.

Sitting in that hospital bed the afternoon when they laid you on my chest. I had no idea what to expect for my life going forward. I had waited months to find out what you would look like, what colour your hair would be, how the sound of your helpless cry would sound and what the grip of your tiny little fingers on mine would feel like. I had no idea what to expect for my life from that moment on. All I knew is that I loved you more than anything I have ever loved before and it happened the minute my eyes laid on you.

We have dreamed of you. You came to us during a particularly hard time and helped us find our footing. Your father and I have many promises to make to you. Some of which you may not like, and others you may not understand until you are older, but one day I hope you read this and find yourself smiling. Only to realize we only wanted you to be safe, and happy, and oh so loved.

If you follow my blog regularly, I’m sure you will know what the past 6 months of life have brought my husband and I and our families. I find life a crazy and unpredictable roller coaster that you really don’t ever know where it will take you or what is in store for us. In October, I went through such heartbreak and sadness of miscarrying my first pregnancy. Something that I wanted more than anything I’ve ever wanted in the entire world. At the time, I thought nothing in the world would ever feel the same again and I would never be able to be myself and be truly happy after what I experienced. Although I will never get the chance to meet our angel baby, I can always dream of the person he/she would have become. I may not have ever known our angel baby, but you will always have a place in our hearts, thoughts and our family.

I am currently trying to hold it together as I sit here writing this. Who am I kidding, I have been trying to hold myself together for the past month and a half now. Life is unfair sometimes, and funny but mostly unfair. It’s funny how we can hide behind a smile on our face and pretend we are okay. And people believe that we are okay, but we know deep down that we have things going on that no body knows of. I am hiding behind a screen about to spill my heart out to some people who will actually take the time out of their day to read this.

My husband and I are celebrating our first year of marriage in 3 weeks. It seems like it was just yesterday that we were reading our wedding vows in front of our closest friends and family. Some of you reading this will completely agree with the things you are about to read in this blog, and some of you will think I’m totally wrong. That’s okay. That’s the beauty of relationships and lessons we learn. We are all different. These are the things I’ve learned over the past year and the things we’ve experienced. Take it with a grain of salt, if you will! This next part in my blog is not to make anyone feel sorry for us, or put us on a pedestal. I just want to share some things that you may want to consider in the future.

Today I met a women who inspired me, challenged me and left incredible foot prints on my heart.  I may have only talked to her for 30 minutes, but I left our conversation feeling and striving to pursuit my passion and dreams. She spoke words that make me realize its moments like this that make going to work everyday worth it. For most of you that are reading this probably don’t know that I have not only one career, but two.  Both fulfilling and rewarding, but completely different careers.  As you all know, I am a wedding and lifestyle photographer but also work health care.  I went to school 5 years ago to become a Registered Dental Assistant. Don’t ask me why, I woke up one day and decided that’s what I wanted to do.  1 week later, I was accepted into the program and would be starting in 2 months.  A completely random decision and it was a career that never once crossed my mind but it was a decision I made that I have been thankful for ever since.  I have learned more these past 5 years than I ever though was possible. I have been thrown many experiences, good and bad.  Grown into a young adult, and made many life long friendships. I have the ability to help people, every single day.  Although people may not love coming to see us eryday, we make a difference.

Finally! I have been trying to make this blog post for weeks now, but our internet has not been cooperating. I wanted to share a couple of my favorite photos from our Honeymoon. By a couple, I mean a lot because it was too hard to pick just a few! These are a mix between iPhone, my DSLR and some images from our photo shoot with Meg Courtney. These images from our honeymoon mean more to me than anyone will ever know. This way by far the greatest two weeks I have shared with someone in one of the most spectacular places on earth. We did absolutely anything and everything, and it was worth every minute of it. If you have not yet been to Hawaii, do it!

I know everyone stumbles upon struggles in life. Some more than others. Mine is the  constant struggle of always wondering if I am enough and I seem to be stumbling upon that quite often lately. Am I successful enough? Am I good enough? Do I have enough talent? I've always struggled with self doubt and second guessing myself. Tonight I sat down and reviewed every single edited image I took in 2015; weddings, engagements, maternity, newborn and family sessions.

I grew up very fortunate, my parents always believed in my dreams + my goals. They encouraged learning + growing, sports, 4-H + school were a big part of my childhood. My parents always wanted us to do our best, but to enjoy what we were doing. Whatever we chose to do, we were encouraged to give our 100% with their help and support along the way. I grew up more artistic than athletic, I would rather draw pictures than kick a soccer ball. I had to really try at sports, it didn’t come easy for me. Art on the other hand, was something that I didn’t ever have to think about. I could pick up a paint brush and know exactly what to do with it. I didn’t struggle with art, because it is something I was passionate about. I spent many hours from painting to sketching to crafts to thumb art to pastels, you name it – I did it. I took art classes every Saturday with a very talented artist, I learned everything I know from him. To this day, I still value everything he taught me, all the hours I spent in the studio with many other talented teenagers.