A LETTER TO YOU ON YOUR FIRST BIRTHDAY…

Weston,

This past year has come and gone in the blink of an eye. I’m here trying to figure out where the past year went, and how you are already one. I’m sitting struggling to put my thoughts into words for how I truly feel about you. It’s difficult, not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I have way to many emotions to write it all down. I’ve stopped many times while writing this, because my eyes are too foggy to continue on. How do you express your love and gratitude towards the most important person in your life in a few simple paragraph? How do I tell you how deeply I feel for you? How much you have changed me and my outlook? And how much I have learned from you? Words simply cannot express those feelings. But I will try to make sense of it for you.

You came into our world fast and furious. You put up a fight. Six hours from my first sign of labor to the moment you were set on my chest. The most intense and terrifying few hours of my life. You were stubborn and challenging. 14 medical staff were in our delivery room helping to bring you here safely. 1:50pm; The moment my eyes saw you, my world was changed forever. Nothing else mattered. I was so in love with you and I had just met you. How could I already love someone so much? When our nurse placed you on my chest, I remember the feeling of pure happiness and joy. Your dad stood beside me holding my hand and we both just stared at you. We couldn’t stop smiling and crying. I felt numb. I couldn’t believe you were mine. I helped make you. I nourished you for nine months. I brought you into this world. I gave you life. Every ounce of pain and fatigue didn’t matter after that moment. You were here. All seven pounds, fourteen ounces and twenty one inches of you. Healthy and happy. And the cutest. You were perfect and I was absolutely terrified to become your mom. I had no idea what I was doing and I didn’t ever want to dissapoint you. I didn’t wait to fail. Your life was now in our hands. The nurses taught us how to feed you, bath you, change you and swaddle you and then sent us home with a 22 hour old baby. They all made it look so easy but we struggled. We struggled hard. You were delicate and we were timid new parents. Little did we know, things were going to drastically change for us. We were naive. And now we were a family of three. To us, we were the perfect family of three. August 9th, 2017 will always be the best day of my entire life. You gave me purpose, happiness and made me a mother. Your mother. The most important job I’ll ever have and my favourite one at that. The hardest, most exhausting but oh so rewarding job.

Over the next little while, we learned a lot about each other. I learned a lot about myself. We spent every minute of the day together. I sang to you and rocked you for hours on end. I would sing ‘you are my sunshine’. I sang it to you just hours after you were born and I have done so everyday since. When you were unconsolable and sometime it was the only thing that would work. When you would fall asleep on my chest. When you were crying in the car while we were driving somewhere. When I tuck you in to bed at night, I sing it to you. And I will never stop. Because you really are, my sunshine. We slowly settled into our groove together. You needed me and I needed you. Together we were everything. We struggled more than we succeeded. Somedays I felt like I was the best mom in the world and other days I felt like a failure. I often felt overwhelmed and in over my head. I felt like I lost my identity and my only purpose now was to care and nourish for you. But that’s okay. Because all I’ve ever wanted is what is best for you. Every moment I spent with you, I felt my heart expand more and more. I’ve never felt anything like this in my entire life.

You had many visitors in the first few months. The door never stopped opening because so many people who loved you, wanted to meet you. They wanted to see you and show you how much they cared for you. You are a very lucky little boy and I hope you always know that. Your dad is single handedly the most amazing human in the entire world. He is super dad. He loves, supports and provides for us. So that we can give you the best life. Your face lights up every night when he gets home from work and you let out the biggest squeal. He loves you with his whole heart and tells me every night before we go to bed how much happiness you bring him. He’s incredible and I can’t express how much he has done for you already. You have two wonderful sets of grandparents who give you so much love and attention. You’ve not only changed our whole world, but theirs too. You light up their life. Your guide parents (we chose guide parents opposed to godparents as we are not religious, but same idea) love you like you are their own. You bring so much joy to your extended family and all of our friends. You are such a special person, Weston Scott and I hope you always know that. I hope you never listen if anyone tells you or treats you different.  And never settle for anything less than what you deserve. Anyone who has had the chance to be apart of your life, is so incredibly lucky. You’ve brightened the lives of so many people. Many who love you, appreciate you and care for you. You have changed the world, not only for me but for many others.

Watching you change and grow this past year has been such a gift. It felt like just yesterday we were nervously driving you home from the hospital when your dad went through a yellow light and I grasped the door handle and freaked out on him. When you started lifting your head, sitting and rolling we were so baffled at how quickly you were changing. Now you are crawling, walking, babbling and making a tornado out of our house. You are a little boy instead of a baby. But you’ll always be my baby. For the past year, I never anticipated how hard this day would truly be for me. But I am an emotional wreck. I am torn between wanting you to grow up and wanting you to stay little.

I have never taken a day with you for granted. Everyday is my favourite. Good, bad, tough or easy. I pray every night before I lay you down to sleep. As I’m sitting in your room with you in the arms, feeding you. I pray for you, your health and to give you the best life possible no matter what happens in it. You are so important and special. I cannot emphasize that enough. I feel grateful and thankful every single moment I get to spend with you. You’re more than just my son. You’re my best friend. And the bestest friend I’ve ever had at that. You’re that piece of my heart that I didn’t even know was missing. You’ve taught me so much about myself. This past year, I’ve become a completely different person. A person I’ve always been longing to become. You’re made me realize what’s important and helped me understand what’s not. You test my limits, my patiences and my ability to function on no sleep. You can make me smile, laugh and cry hysterically all in a matter of minutes. You’re smart, curious, stubborn, strong and determined. Your happiness is contagious, your personality is strong and evolving so much. You’re changing and growing every single day. You’re kind, gentle and caring. You make me slow down and see the world differently. You make the world a better place and remind me that nothing else in the world matters as long as I have you. I can’t wait to see who you become and all the amazing things you do in this life. Everyday you open up my world to new experiences and new adventures. I love being the person to show you new things and teach you about the big world ahead of you. If only I could see the world through your eyes. And if only you could see how much you mean to me, through mine.

I love you, Weston Scott and you will always be the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Don’t ever forget that. Happiest first birthday my boy. 365 days with you. Your first lap around the sun. Here’s to many, many more.

Here’s a few of my favourite photographs from Weston’s first birthday party on Monday. Such an amazing celebration with his most loved family and friends. I have been planning this birthday party for awhile now and wanted everything to be perfect! I had a vision and it totally came to life. Darcy said I went a little overboard, but he only turns one once and I usually don’t do things small! Enjoy!