I am sharing a blog post I wrote back in September. I never shared it, I left it in my drafts. I was embarrassed and ashamed and scared to be open and vulnerable with the world. Today, I gained the confidence to share this. Because I know, someone out there will relate to my words.
“Three months into being a second time mom has me feeling all the feels. The good. The bad. The pretty. The ugly. Some days I think there is more ugly than there is pretty. When the good days are good, oh they are so good. But when the bad days are bad, man they are ugly. Somedays I go to bed relieved and surprised that we actually made it Thinking, maybe eventually we will actually make it out of these deep waters. And the next day, I’m crying by 9am wondering how we are going to survive until 5:00pm when my husband gets home. The darkness of motherhood can be so overwhelming. It is a rollercoaster of highs and lows.
We don’t talk about the bad days. The stormy waters. The crying by 9am and wanting to hide from the world. The feeling of defeat. Because why would we talk about those tough times, when we can talk about all the great things. Like the big slobbery kisses, the hugs, the giggles, the goofy faces, the fun. Those really wonderful things that happen in between temper tantrums and cluster feeding babies. Those of which, just don’t fit into those perfectly curated squares of social media. So why would we ruin those curated squares with the real life, day to day stuff? The world needs more real. Mom’s need more real.
So let me be real for a moment. Real about the bad and the ugly. My life is pure and utter chaos right now. I’m struggling. And I’m struggling hard. I’m in a cloud of darkness. I thought one child was a struggle. I had my days, absolutely. But I never had days like this. Having our second was a shock for me. I was naive. I knew it would be tough. But never in a million years did I think it would be this tough. To be honest, I don’t even know what I’m getting out of writing this. To let some things off my chest, maybe some words of encouragement or someone who can relate to me. I’m not sure. Maybe I just want to write. But for those of you reading this, don’t get me wrong. I love my children, with everything I have and more. And nothing would ever change that. But somedays, hiding in a closet sounds pretty dang good. Toddlers are ruthless. Mean. Challenging. Difficult. Exhausting. Curious. Energetic. Hilarious. Fun. And the list goes on and on and on. The age two is by far the hardest phase yet in this parenting journey. I take the brunt of it all. Motherhood. Keeping me on my toes and testing every ounce of patience I have. Someone please tell me. How, how on earth do you parent a toddler? Because I have NO freaking idea.
I found myself wandering around the book store today and I came across the “parenting” section. Seems fitting right? I started glancing through the pages of a few books thinking, what on earth am I doing? How can I expect to parent the same way as someone in these books that has their shit together? How can I parent the same way as a friend? Or even as my parents for that matter? I can’t. Because everyone is different. Every situation is different. Every household is different. Every child is different. I left with a positive attitude, and promising to give myself more patience and a slight understanding. Understanding of this big, bold, unknown world in the eyes of a two year old.
I drove home from a gymnastics class last night, sobbing. Because I felt like a failure in a crowd of parents who looked like they had it together. I envy those people. It was literally a scene out of a comedy. But not a really good comedy. A Netflix original comedy. Both kids were in the backseat yelling/crying at me. It was a moment of pure defeat. I suck at this. I suck at dividing my attention for two little boys. Who are both so young and little. Who are both growing and changing so much everyday. I suck at being a mom. How, how on earth will we make it through this? I kept asking myself on the drive home. But you know what, we will. Soon the dark clouds will go away, and the sun with shine. It has too, right? Everyday I take a deep breath and know we will be okay. Parenting two under two is no walk in the park. I’m confident though that this will get better. And well, if it doesn’t. I’ll be here muttering swear words under my breath and faking it until we make it.
Somedays I feel accomplished and confident and other days we eat chips for breakfast. Sometimes the best we can do is appologize, hug it out, say I love you and go to bed hopeful to try again tomorrow. Being a mom is hard. A level of hard that is unexplainable. Here’s to tomorrow.”
Don’t ever be afraid to reach out, ask for help or be real with the world. Chances are many of us will be able to relate to you. I blame many of my dark days of motherhood on my stubborn ability to ask for help from my family or friends.
Sending so much love,