It’s almost midnight on a Friday night. Your big brother is sound asleep and has been for hours, and your dad is in another province with his friends on a snowmobile trip. It is cold, snowy and blowing like crazy outside. I am laying in my king size bed with our dog,
Howard who is taking up three quarters of it. But when dad’s out of town, I have to take advantage of the bedtime snuggles with this furry boy. I just finished catching up on the latest episodes of the Bachelor that I missed on our family vacation. Now, I can’t sleep. I have so much on my mind but struggle to put it into writing. I really have no purpose or point I want to get across with my words tonight, I simply just want to write to write. As I lay here typing this, I feel soft and consistent flutters throughout my abdoman. My laptop screen subtly moves up and down along with the movements. How strangely beautiful it is to feel and love a life who you have yet to meet. A life you have prayed, hoped and dream for, but also are scared and frightened by. Being able to experience pregnancy is a blessing and a honour as I know it doesn’t come easy or at all for some.
This journey the third time around, is vastly different from the other two. The first was short, traumatic and sad. We did a fair amount of learning and growing in that season of life. The second was new, exciting and unfarmiliar. We continued to learn and grown. The third is wonderfully different. Very, very different. I now have the distraction of a busy toddler who is constantly on the go. At the end of the day, when we make it there, is like a breath of fresh air. Because honestly, there are days where I don’t think we will make it past lunch time. My week by week pregnancy book is collecting dust in the cupboard and hasn’t been opened. I don’t know whether he is the size of a banana or a cucumber right now. And if you asked me right now how far along I am, I will probably have to take a minute to think about it. And it’s not because I don’t care, or that I’m not excited. It’s just simply different this time around. It has been wonderful.
I feel a huge relief and amount of comfort this time around. I know how quickly it goes by and how much I missed this experience once Weston came into this world. So I have been focusing on enjoying this season of my life, through the constant morning sickness, discomfort and now heartburn. I want to cry every time big brother says ‘baby’ while lifting my shirt. Even if it’s in the waiting room of a busy maternity clinic. Or when I ask him where ‘baby’ is and he points to his own belly. For someone so little, he already has so much understanding. I can’t even wait for the moment that these two brothers get to meet each other. I love being able to curl up with him on the couch, knowing in a few months I will have another to love just as much. Which I often wonder, how on earth can I love another this much? But I already do, and I haven’t even met him. There is no better gift that having the opportunity to love not one, but two little boys so deeply.