Sitting in that hospital bed the afternoon when they laid you on my chest. I had no idea what to expect for my life going forward. I had waited months to find out what you would look like, what colour your hair would be, how the sound of your helpless cry would sound and what the grip of your tiny little fingers on mine would feel like. I had no idea what to expect for my life from that moment on. All I knew is that I loved you more than anything I have ever loved before and it happened the minute my eyes laid on you. The feeling of your warm chest beating on top of mine. How welcome and cozy you made yourself against me instantly. In those moments, I didn’t know how much my life would soon drastically change. The constant attention and care you would require. The sleepless days turning into sleepless nights. And when you would be sleeping, I wouldn’t sleep. You were to perfect not to look at while you were peacefully on my chest. I was worried that if I took my eyes off of you, time would pass in the blink of an eye. Almost eight weeks later and I am sitting here wondering where my newborn baby boy is. The boy who weighed just shy of eight pounds. The boy who wanted to sleep all day and never made a peep unless he was hungry or needed to be changed. The boy who has brought so much love and happiness into our life is growing rapidly every single day.
Fast forward to today. The days get easier and easier but also tougher and tougher as the time passes. The around the clock work of motherhood is demanding, exhausting, exhilarating, rewarding, emotional, terrifying and challenging. No book, class, educator or fellow parent can prepare you for the struggles you will endure in the early stages of motherhood. And I’m sure it doesn’t get easier throughout the years. The challenges you will be throw. The frustration levels that you don’t talk about or show to anyone. You don’t understand the demand that is needed from a baby to their mother. They need you every waking moment and the moments that they don’t need you, you’re sitting in quiet preparing for the moments they will need you again. Before they laid your tiny body on my chest at the hospital, I promised to myself to be present in as many moments of your life as possible. I wanted to soak them all in and help them last as long as possible. I promised to take so many photographs that my iPhone wouldn’t hold anymore, I promised to document all the small achievements and all the big ones. I promised myself to focus on you, not a clean house or a meal on the table because I knew you would only be this small today, that tomorrow you would grow a day bigger, a day older and a day smarter. The way you look at everything with such big blue curious eyes. The way you look out the window into the world ahead of you. The way you look at me when you begin to lift you head off of my chest. The way your eyes light up when I say good morning. The big smile you get on your face when I say hello. The little sounds you make responding to my conversation and the stories you begin to tell me. The way you kick your legs in the bathtub because you love the sound of splashing water. The way you look at your daddy. The face you make when you get wind in your face.
You’re so curious and innocent. You have so much to learn and so much to see and I’m so thrilled to be the one to show it all to you. In the past eight weeks I have struggled, I have succeeded, I have failed, I have cried, and cried some more, I have felt like giving up but instantly after, I felt like trying harder. I have felt my heart grow rapidly everyday and we are learning each other more and more. You have made my heart whole again and given me all of more purpose to be here. I often wonder how I lived my whole life without you. In such a short time, you have made my heart burst so full.
Thank you for giving me purpose and help me strive to be the best version of myself. Thank you for being the most challenging gift I have ever received. Thank you for being the single best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for giving me a reason to love something so much. Thank you for making me a mom. Thank you for being my son. Life is better with you.