I am currently trying to hold it together as I sit here writing this. Who am I kidding, I have been trying to hold myself together for the past month and a half now. Life is unfair sometimes, and funny but mostly unfair. It’s funny how we can hide behind a smile on our face and pretend we are okay. And people believe that we are okay, but we know deep down that we have things going on that no body knows of. I am hiding behind a screen about to spill my heart out to some people who will actually take the time out of their day to read this. Some of you may roll your eyes, others may be able to relate to this. That’s okay, I’m not asking you to judge me, or have sympathy for me or wonder why I am even sharing this. If you are thinking that already, this is probably not the blog for you and you should stop reading this. I just want to write for those who are willing to read but also write for myself. This is not something I have talked about with many people. Not because I am ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it, but because I am scared for others responses and how they deal with it. I want to talk about it, with as many people as I can because I want people to know that this is a common occurrence even though people do not discuss it and it is okay to grieve. But grieving alone, is not okay and I don’t ever wish that upon anybody.
A month and a half ago, my husband and I found out we were expecting. Since we married each other, starting a family is all we have dreamed about. It was definitely always in our near future. Every time we thought the timing was right, we would have another speed bump to over come. So we decided, let’s just let it happen when it happens. Let’s stop planning and let life go its own direction. Within 2 months of making that decision, we found out we were expecting our first on my birthday weekend. What better birthday gift, than the surprise of a lifetime. We were both ecstatic, grinning from ear to ear and starting to plan our next year that was going to be changing our life ever so much. We realized we had a lot more to do than we though. Our house was in shambles from renovations (a never ending process), we have some financial planning we need to do as life with one income would make a big difference in our day to day life, and of course I was starting to think about all the exciting little details that comes with a little one. I don’t know many things about being pregnant (well, I may know some with being around so many pregnant women lately) but all I knew is I had some learning to do. Of course, my first stop was to pick up the book “What to expect when you’re expecting”. I swear I read half that thing by the night I got it. I couldn’t put it down. I find pregnancy so intriguing, and also so scary. I wanted to know everything, as fast as I could. I wanted to make sure we were healthy and that I was doing the best I could for myself and the baby.
With exciting news like this, comes holding onto exciting secrets. This is one that I knew I couldn’t hold for long, I had to tell someone. With only being 6 weeks pregnant we decided not to tell anyone, because obviously you can have complications and what not. We decided since we are both so close to our parents, that we would tell them. Some people probably think we are crazy for telling them so early, but I tell my mom everything so this wasn’t something I even had to debate about. Looking back on it, I’m so glad we did. Because without my mom, I don’t know where I would be today. Probably locked in a closet somewhere and still a complete disaster.
Little did we know, our life could go from the most life changing and happiest moment of our life, to the utter most heart breaking in a little under one week. Our dreams came crashing down when my biggest worry happened… I was at work and had some unexpected things happen to me. I couldn’t help but think the worst. My mom ensured me to stay positive and hope for the best. Numerous doctors visits later, it was confirmed that I was in the process of miscarrying my first pregnancy. For those of you who can relate to this, you know exactly what we were going through. For those of you who aren’t able to relate, I really don’t wish this upon anybody and truly hope for those of you reading this that you never seek this kind of pain. Physically, emotionally and mentally these were the most exhausting and difficult days of my entire life. I have been through many difficult times and losses throughout my life, but nothing compared to something that has to do with my own body and loosing someone so small who I helped make.
I believe everything effects you differently, at different times of your life. A lot of people have said things to me that they probably thought were great things to say to someone who is grieving the loss of a miscarriage. “At least you know you can get pregnant”or “At least it was so early, could you imaging if you were 12 weeks” or “It wasn’t meant to be” or my favorite being “Just try again next month..”. All of those things are unbelievably heartbreaking things to say to someone who has been through this. I know the people who have said these things to me didn’t mean hurt, but it did. If you have never been through the situation, be cautious of your words and actions. Losing a baby at 6 weeks may not be as hard as at 12 weeks, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Everyone grieves differently and it some people feel deeper than others. The thing that made it easier for me, was talking about it with people. I wanted to tell people my story, and express how I felt. But people didn’t make it easy for me. They made it worse. Sometimes saying nothing at all is what people need. Give us a hug, or bring us a coffee. That’s sometimes the best thing you can do for a person who is aching inside. I found the people who I needed the most weren’t there for me, and surprisingly the one’s I least expected we right by my side. You have no idea how unbelievably scary it is for me to be writing about this right now.
Miscarriages is something not talked about, but happen in 1/4 pregnancies. I want to change the way miscarriage is looked at in society and talked about amongst women. It is not something we should be scared of or ashamed of. We should not feel guilty for something that is completely out of our control. It is something that needs to be talked about. If I could go back, I know I wouldn’t erase this from my life. I wouldn’t wish to experience this again, but I think of this as something that makes us stronger as humans. Maybe it’s not a miscarriage in your life that is causing you pain, thats your business. We all have something. Acknowledge your hurt, but also see the potential for growth from the situation. Don’t hide from the pain. Send it gratitude and transform it into something else.
We booked a mini session with my favorite photographer when we found out we were expecting, because we wanted to announce our pregnancy at Christmas time and she books up quickly for her mini’s. I would have been 14 weeks at that time so Christmas was the perfect time to announce it to our friends. When we lost the pregnancy, I decided to keep the session. I decided to just do family photos for a Christmas card. And I’m so glad we did. These pictures I will forever keep close to my heart. They show me that no matter what Darcy and I go through in life, what speed bumps we go over, that we still can smile and love each other more than yesterday. I could have never made it through this without Darcy by my side through this time of my life. He continues to be strong for me, show me how much he loves me and supports me more and more each day. He has done things for me these past few months than I ever thought in a million years. Hard times like these make relationships stronger. I am forever grateful we were able to make it out of this by each others side.
Again, please do not feel obligated to send me a message, comment on this post or have sympathy for me. That is not what I want out of this. We are moving on and each day is getting better. Positive attitudes and good people in our lives are what makes life worth living. I just want people to know I am here for you if you are grieving a similar loss, and to be aware of their comments, their actions and their words. You never know what someone is going through, so be gentle and open.
Thanks for taking the time to read <3