October is the month that souls long for. They wait for days when the leaves change color, when the air gets brisk + the days get shorter. For me, October tends to weigh me down. When the seasons start changing and I see the leaves start to fall to the ground, it reminds me of my brother and the moments when I lost him. For the past sixteen years, the season has brought sadness and sorrow to my heart. It will always be there but somedays lays dormant. It reminds me of our last hug, the last time I laid eyes on him, and the last hours I got to spend with him. It brings back memories and flashbacks I have alway tried to run from.
“As far as I can see, grief will never truly end. It may become softer over time, more gentle one day, and other days it will feel sharp. But grief will last as long as love does, which is forever. It’s simply the way the absence of your loved one manifests in your heart. A deep longing, accompanied by the deepest love. Some days, the heavy fog may return, and the next day it may recede. Is all an ebb and flow, a constant dance of sorrow, joy, pain and sweet love.”
This year, I made the decision to embrace October. And be thankful for the season for all that it used to be seventeen years ago. The leaves that are changing do not need to be a constant reminder of sorrow and hurt, but can be a sign that he never really went to far. He’s the bright orange leaves that blow to the ground, the whistle past my face on a windy day and the brisk coldness that is coming our way. It’s him telling me that eventually it’s going to be okay. Next time I walk through the crunchy leaves, I will look down and smile. Although you are not close enough, you are everywhere near me. One day at a time, I will again learn to love October.